Filled

What a bizarre month this has been. I am totally ok with leaving the month of January behind.

I am so grateful for the friends that I have in my life, they are the reason that I was able to get through the last month. January was rough as hell for me. I got in a wicked car accident on Christmas Day and my mother didn't come to see me in the hospital, didn't check to see if I was okay. Didn't do anything. That sent me into a tail spin that I haven't addressed in a long time. Why am I begging this person to love me?

I don't beg anyone in my life to love me. Not Mr. Ex, Not Dr. D, not friends, former flames or anyone else. Why am I begging my mother to love me? It took my car accident to make me realize that I have to mourn the loss of her and start moving past it. I won't write to her anymore, or beg for her to speak to me, I won't plead anymore. She's gone.

I went to dinner with Morgs last night. She lost her father to cancer two days after Christmas in 2008. His wake was on her 21st birthday. She described to me how she prepared herself for that loss, and dealt with it afterward. She and I ate at my favorite restaurant, and talked for four hours about life, love, and experience.

In the month of January I interviewed with several colleges and universities for financial aid, but my heart just isn't in it right now. What I am wanting out of my life right now is something that is really fulfilling, but allows for balance in my life. I instead accepted a nursing position and I am going to return to that field for the time being. I just need a break from the stress of trying to manage a college's finances. Higher education is extremely volatile now as fewer students graduate from high school, and it becomes harder and harder for people to pay for college.

I am looking forward to this chapter in my life, and February so far has been generous. I pray it continued.